Don’t Let This Year Ruin Your Career Part II

An Interview with Kori Markussen

Part II of Don’t Let This Year Ruin Your Career is here. If you missed part I, check that out here. If any piece of Part I resonated with you, then Kori’s story, which I will share today will resonate with you as well. In a time where we feel so isolated, there is power in recognizing that we are not alone.

Before I dive into the interview with Kori, there’s a few things that you should know about her. She is an incredible educator. She, like you, goes above and beyond the call to provide educational experiences for her students. From room transformations, to cheers and chants, to strong relationships, and more….Kori’s joy for teaching is evident in every single lesson she teaches. But this year, her joy has been a little hidden under the pile of everything the pandemic chose to pile on top. 

Thank you to Kori for normalizing talk around teacher struggles. Thank you for allowing us a little window into the world of teacher struggle. This is so important even as we move forward into life post pandemic. There is so much strength that can be found in sharing your story. Normalize talking about the good, the bad, and the ugly. Let’s take the step and create a space where we can show up as our authentic selves, and grow…together. 

 Kori’s Story: 

 H: The one thing that I have appreciated about you during this season, is you have been real and raw. You are like this was once the profession that I loved, this was the profession that got me out of bed every morning. Can you share how that has shifted and your story as an educator during this pandemic. 

K: It’s been hard. Like you’re saying, it used to be my hobby. And I’ve always loved it. I feel that so many of us educators are achievers. I just want to do everything I can do. And I want to be good at it. I don’t necessarily have the be the best at everything, but I want to be MY best. I want to be significant. That has been hard this year. I have not felt significant. I have not felt that I am worthy or doing this job well. I kept telling myself, like I had in many other challenging seasons, just push through. With every change, I kept telling myself, just keep pushing. Just keep pushing. However, I never felt the reprieve at the end. It was like each week became twice as hard. I was finding that all of the things that I love about this job didn’t look anything like they did before. I could not find one glimmer of normalcy where I felt like this is what I signed up for. I couldn’t see the normal anywhere. I was searching for one thing that felt normal, so I could breathe again, and I couldn’t find it. So that has been the hardest part this year. Pushing, and pushing, and pushing and waiting for the reprieve but it has yet to come. It has definitely made me question my path in this. Is it worth it. I have had a hard time finding my purpose in all of this. If I could just find one part that I am good at in all of this, then I would be ok, but I truly feel like I am failing at all of the parts. That’s hard to accept. 

H: How did this play a role in your mental health? You’ve shared a lot about the classroom, and the role you play as an educator, but what did this look like when you shut the door to your classroom, got in your car, and drove home. 

K: It was awful. I felt like a shelf of a person. My family was worried for me. It was like first year teaching but 5000x worse. My first year was challenging but nothing like this. I loved my first year. This year I felt like I am faced with challenges that I can’t overcome and the hardest part is I know how to do these things. I know what the expectations are. I know what my kids need, and I just couldn’t there. I am constantly comparing myself to who I know I can be. I am so hard on myself. I have felt like a failure many times. I have struggled to find what I can do well during this season. I kept telling myself, we are going to grow through this and find the positive, and I could just never find the positive. Then I found myself getting angry and jealous. Jealous of others who’s situation in their school looks different. This is such a hard year for everyone. But it became very isolating for me. I felt like I was the only one in my specific role. I felt like no one understood me. I kept looking on social media like how is everyone just able to move on with life, and I am hating every second of this? I would cry on my way to work, leave work, and be in the same situation. I had so many balls in the air and I just couldn’t figure out which one to drop…which one was “ok” to drop. 

H: If you can think back to when you had the realization that you were feeling this way. When was the moment that you realized this is how I am feeling, and it’s ok that I feel this way. 

K: It took a long time. It was really hard for me to let my pride down, and acknowledge that. I knew I couldn’t fix the pandemic, but I was desperately trying to figure out which problem I could fix. And if I can just fix one of them, it won’t be perfect, but it will be better. In this specific moment, I was just searching for better. No matter how had I tried, I couldn’t find a problem that I could fix to my standards. I could make things better, but not to my standard. Then my family started reaching out and voicing their concerns. And I realized that I just wanted to quit. I didn’t think I could make it through this school year. If you would’ve talked to me five years ago, I would have said who quits? I could not understand teachers who cry in their cars, I could not understand teachers who quit midyear, and here I am. One day I was having a conversation with my principal and she said you know, I am worried about you. Don’t allow this year to be the year that ruins your career. She said this year is not worth that. I recognized that I truly wanted to get through this, but how do I do that? How do I make it another day? 

H: Such powerful advice from your administrator. I too, worry that we are going to lose a lot of good teachers during this time. How did you begin switching your mindset? 

K: Education can change at the end of all of this. I kept reminding myself, if my students don’t understand one math standard or standards, they can make that up next year. One year of not the best education…we can fill those gaps. But if because of this year, the face of education changes, the good teachers leave, that is going to be detrimental to children everywhere.

H: That’s perspective right there. One bad year is something that we can easily make up if we have incredible educators. And we have incredible educators. It’s about keeping them in this profession, and saying you know what, this year, survive. 

H: I’ve seen your journey from it being raw, but you have found some things for you that have brought a little joy. It hasn’t fixed the bigger issues, but what has helped you refocus or find a new perspective? 

K: Anytime I talked about work or school, I would cry. Truly. It wasn’t until family and friends were continuously reaching out. I kept saying, I’m fine. I’m fine. Until I wasn’t fine. I decided I finally needed to reach out to someone. I contacted a therapist, and went to a doctor to get on medication and naming it as depression. It was so hard for me to admit because I felt like a failure. How could I not get through this and everyone else could? So finally acknowledging it was a big piece for me, and saying that I needed help. I don’t by any means think this is everyone’s journey or needs to be. But that’s where I was during this time. I can’t say that I am not still frustrated and overwhelmed at times, I am. But I feel more in control of myself. 

As far as finding joy, I stopped comparing myself to who I was. In the past, I would make fun activities. This year, I found that was causing me more stress during the lesson because the kids couldn’t figure it out. Letting it go, and letting that be ok was freeing for me. Letting go of being the engaging teacher every day has allowed me to be able to enjoy it more when I do. 

 I also learned to validate my feelings. When I would be in my most challenging moments, I would list out my feelings. This allowed me to go back later and start piecing things together, and realizing wow. This is a lot! That gave me the push that I needed to simply validate myself and allow myself to name and feel my authentic emotions. 

Thank you again to Kori for sharing a little glimpse into reality. A few final thoughts as we wrap up:  

Think about this year like this: what can I do this year, that can be sustainable? Not how can I be the best teacher I’ve ever been.  Listen up. You are a good enough teacher that you can show up to school and not have everything lined up, and it is going to be ok. The kids are still going to learn. Take the pressure off. Break down the walls of perfection. This is not the year to set records. We’re not trying to measure up this year. We can not look back next year and ask “where did all of the good teachers go?” Let’s focus on leaning on our community, uplifting one another, and crossing the finish line…together. 

 If you need some mindful practices to focus on your, your story, and your emotions, check out my 6 tips for creating a sustainable year in teaching - Yes, even during a pandemic - below.